Smart Home

Our Mejda is a good man at heart, but he has one big flaw—he believes that the solution to all the world's problems is hidden in an Amazon or Flipkart sale. By profession, he is an Income Tax lawyer, but by passion, he is a 'Tech-Maniac.' He took a vow to turn our old, mossy house in Bagbazar into a ‘Smart Home’ overnight.

Mejda said, "Listen, Chhoto, the world is now a circuit board. We are its resistance. Our lifestyle must be connected via Wi-Fi now."

Boudi, Mejda’s wife, who still believes that hand-washed clothes and spices ground on a stone (Shil-nora) are the only pure things, raised her eyebrows and said, "So, Mej-korta, will the Dal boil using Wi-Fi? Or will we get an electric shock and a one-way ticket to the afterlife?"

Mejda gave a superior laugh and said, "That is analog thinking. Listen, I have ordered a 'Smart Hub.' It will talk, play music, and even control the room temperature."

Two days later, a big box arrived. Mejda set it up with great excitement. It was a round device with a blue light. Mejda said, "Its name is ‘Alexa.’ But I have named it ‘Alexa-bala’."

Mejda shouted, "Alexa-bala, play a Rabindra Sangeet!" The device replied in a sweet voice, "Playing—Tora jey jaa bolish bhai, amar Shonar Horin chai (Remix version)..." Mejda jumped in shock, "Arre, stop it! Who told you to remix Tagore? I asked for a song, and she’s playing a disco track!"

Bordi was laughing secretly in the next room. She said, "Maybe she didn't understand your pronunciation. You said 'Rabindra Sangeet,' and she heard 'Rap music'."

Actually, Mejda’s English accent is purely North Kolkattan. He says 'Ismart' instead of 'Smart' and 'Alax-aa' instead of 'Alexa.' Naturally, the machine gets confused.

The next day, Mejda brought a ‘Robot Cleaner.’ It was a flat, disc-like machine that would move around the floor on its own to clean. Mejda named it ‘Dhulo-Danob’ (The Dust Demon). Mejda said, "See Bordi, from now on, you don't have to listen to the taunts of Jhimli the maid. This machine will make everything sparkle."

But disaster happened in the afternoon. We have a pet cat named ‘Tiger.’ Tiger is usually calm, but seeing the Dust Demon crawling on the floor, he thought it was some dangerous rat from Mongolia. Tiger took a leap and sat right on top of the robot. The robot was cleaning the carpet in the drawing room then. Under Tiger’s weight, the robot lost its balance and went straight into Mejda’s glass showcase.

Jhan-jhan! A loud sound broke the silence. Mejda came running. He saw his precious gold medal's glass frame shattered, while Tiger was riding the robot like a king, touring the drawing room. Mejda screamed, "Alax-aa! Stop this demon!" Alexa replied, "Sorry, I didn't get that. Did you say—Set an alarm?" Mejda sat down, holding his head. Bordi said, "In the process of becoming smart, the house has become a zoo. Now take that robot to the roof and wrestle with it in the Metaverse."

The story doesn't end here. Mejda went one step further and installed a ‘Smart Lock’ on the main door. He said, "The era of carrying keys is over. This door has facial recognition. It will open just by seeing your face."

It was a Sunday. Mejda went to the market in the morning to buy fresh mutton. While returning, the sky suddenly broke into a heavy downpour. Mejda was soaking wet (Sospop). He had the mutton bag in one hand, and water was dripping into his eyes, making his glasses blurry. He stood before the door and held his face in front of the scanner. But the machine said, "Access denied. Unknown face."

Mejda was shocked. "Arre, I am Mejda! Lambodar Chattopadhyay! Look carefully, I am just wet!" He took off his glasses and showed his face again. This time the machine said, "Error. Facial map does not match." Actually, Mejda’s hair was wet and hanging over his forehead, and his lips were shivering and wrinkled from the cold. The Smart Lock couldn't recognize him at all.

Mejda started banging on the door, "Bordi! Open the door! Your Ismart machine is not letting me into my own house!" Bordi shouted from inside, "I am bathing! Open it using the app!" Mejda said, "The phone is inside the mutton bag, it's totally wet! It’s not even switching on."

Half an hour later, when Mejda entered the house by climbing the back window like a thief, he looked like he had just returned from the jaws of a tiger in the Sundarbans. He was still clutching the mutton bag tightly. Mejda sat on the sofa with a thud. Alexa suddenly spoke up on her own, "Your blood pressure has increased. Please calm down." Mejda took off his shoe and threw it at Alexa. But his aim was bad; it landed on the robot cleaner. The robot started again and, thinking the wet shoe was 'trash,' began dragging it to the corner of the room.

At the dinner table that night, it was a strange scene. Mejda was silent. Bordi served the Dal and said, "So Mej-korta, how was the 'Smart' mutton? Did the robot check the salt and sugar correctly?"

Mejda didn't reply. He was chewing the meat quietly. Suddenly, our Chhotopishima (younger paternal aunt), who is a bit hard of hearing, entered the drawing room and said, "Hey Lambodar, you said that box sings? Does it know 'Shyama-Sangeet' (Devotional songs)?"

Mejda said, "Pishima, whatever you ask, she will understand it wrongly. Just put a cloth over her."

Pishima didn't listen. She went to Alexa and said, "Hey girl, play a nice Bhajan!" Alexa replied, "Playing—Baby doll main Sona di..." Pishima covered her ears and said, "Oh my god! What is she saying? Baby what? These modern machines have such cheap manners in this Kali Yuga!"

Mejda finally sighed. He realized that while technology has intelligence, it has no common sense. He went and pulled the plug of the Smart Hub. The whole house suddenly became quiet. That familiar silence, which is the soul of an old North Kolkata house, returned.

Mejda said, "Bordi, tell Jhimli the maid to sweep the floor tomorrow. And I will gift that robot to Gadhadhar next door. He loves technology too much."

The next morning, Mejda was seen sitting on the balcony in his old wooden sandals, reading the newspaper. His smart phone was lying nearby, being used as a paperweight. Mejda called me and said, "See Chhoto, there is no replacement for human intelligence. The joy of flipping a real newspaper and its smell—can the Metaverse give you that?"

I smiled. Mejda was back in his true form. He was the same Mejda again, who could tell when it would rain or shine without a smartwatch.

Mejda suddenly shouted, "Arre Chhoto, check if my Facebook is hacked! Why is there a monkey's face instead of mine in the profile picture?" I went and saw that Mejda, in a fit of rage last night, had changed his own picture to a monkey emoji by mistake.

In the end, Mejda said the ultimate truth— "Being a human is much harder than being smart!"