The Tragedy of Bapin Bihari, or Much Ado About Bapin

Characters:

BAPIN BIHARI BASU (B.B. Basu): A man of principle, or so he claims. A self-appointed neighborhood watchdog with the tenacity of a terrier and the moral compass of a... well, a very certain compass.

BIPLAB CHATTERJEE (Bip Da): A man with a newly built house, a guilty conscience, and a terrible habit of over-sharing his anxieties.

CHOTON SARKAR: A young, overly earnest process server from the district court. He sweats easily and trusts everyone.

The Ghost of Saralabala Devi's Land Deed: (Non-speaking role, but deeply felt).

Setting:

The scene is "Shantiniketan," a quiet lane in the New Town area of a bustling metropolis. The air is thick with the smell of dust, new paint, and the faint, lingering aroma of puchka from a nearby street vendor. BIPLAB CHATTERJEE'S house is a gaudy, three-story structure, a monument to his questionable business sense, covered in mint-green paint and adorned with a life-sized statue of a mustachioed lion at the gate.

(The curtain rises on the sweltering New Town afternoon. CHOTON SARKAR, wiping his brow with a handkerchief that has long since surrendered to the humidity, approaches BIPLAB CHATTERJEE, who is watering a few withered plants in front of his mint-green mansion.)

CHOTON(Breathlessly)Good afternoon, sir! Might this be the humble abode of the esteemed B.B. Basu? Bapin Bihari Babu?

BIPLAB(Eyes narrowing, he continues watering a plant as if it holds the secrets of the universe)B.B. Basu? In this neighbourhood? Ha! A delightful fantasy, young man. There is no such person here. We have only upstanding citizens.

CHOTON(Pulls out a crumpled piece of paper)How tremendously odd! The warrant, I mean the address, clearly states "Basu Bagan, New Town, Rajarhat." This is Rajarhat, is it not? I can see the IT hub from here!

BIPLABRajarhat? Of course, it is Rajarhat! What is there to stop it from being Rajarhat? The lake is there, the sky is there, the exorbitant price of flats is most certainly there!

CHOTONThen, Basu Bagan Lane?

BIPLAB(Waving a hand vaguely)This very lane. Though "Basu Bagan" is a generous term for a few scraggly bushes.

CHOTONThen the house of B.B. Basu must, by the inescapable logic of geography, also be here!

BIPLAB(Putting down the watering can with an air of finality)Young man, the house of B.B. Basu should never be here. For the sake of peace, quiet, and the mental well-being of every goat and chicken in a five-kilometer radius, it should be located in, say, the Sundarbans. With the tigers.

CHOTONWhat strange tidings are these! But B.B. Basu himself gave me this very address! Surely, one can trust the word of a fellow human, especially one named in a court document!

BIPLAB(Leaning in conspiratorially)And you believed him? Just like that? Tell me, young man, if a mongoose offered to guard your chicken coop, would you hire it?

CHOTONNo, sir! A mongoose is but a beast!

BIPLABAnd B.B. Basu is a beast of a different colour! If you can trust Bapin Bihari, then you might as well invite a cobra to share your bed! It would be less likely to hiss at you for building your boundary wall a centimeter onto public property!

CHOTONSo you confess! You know him! You say he is as untrustworthy as a cobra!

BIPLABI say nothing of the sort! I merely reiterate: a man named B.B. Basu does not reside on this lane. Perhaps he lives on the moon? It would be fitting.

CHOTONThen where does he live? Has he flitted away like a common housefly?

BIPLABHe should! If he flitted away to Timbuktu, the entire neighbourhood would erect a statue in his honour. But enough of this hypothetical flitting! From whence do you hail, you who seek this mythical beast?

CHOTONI come from the office of the Superintendent of Police, District Judge’s circuit bench!

BIPLAB(Jumps back as if stung, the watering can clattering to the ground)The Police! The Judge! Ominous words! Why did you not lead with this dramatic flourish, man? The arrest warrant! You have it, yes? Let me see it! A thing of beauty it must be!

CHOTON(Pats his pockets proudly)I have it not on my person! But I assure you, there is an arrest warrant, a search warrant, and a document from the court that mentions a "Forgery and Criminal Breach of Trust"! It’s a veritable bouquet of legal joy!

BIPLAB(His face breaks into a wide, oily smile. He dusts off a non-existent speck on Choton’s shoulder.)Ah, my dear boy! My angel of justice! Why do you stand here in the harsh sun, which is clearly trying to melt you like a cheap ice-cream? You must, you absolutely must, grace my humble abode with the dust of your official feet! See, that mint-green edifice of architectural wonder? That is mine.

CHOTON(Relieved)Oh, gladly, sir! The road was long, and this afternoon sun has no mercy, even on those who serve the law!

BIPLABIt is my fault entirely! Keeping a man of your calibre standing on a public thoroughfare! The shame! Please, enter my palace of dreams.

(They enter the house. The living room is a cacophony of wealth: a massive chandelier, a velvet sofa, and a giant air-conditioner that roars like a wounded dragon.)

BIPLAB(Gesturing to the floor)Italian marble! Can you believe it? From the quarries of... well, Italy! Or perhaps it was a very convincing wholesaler from Cuttack. But the sheen! The polish!

CHOTON(Stroking the floor)Exquisite! One could skate upon it!

BIPLAB(Turns on the AC, which blasts a gust of frigid air directly at Choton)Please, sit! Recline! Let my cooling machine vanquish the tyranny of the sun. You are perspiring like a paneer in a frying pan.

CHOTONYou even possess a cooling machine! Your taste, sir, is most sophisticated!

BIPLAB(Waving a hand dismissively)These are trifles! Even the simplest of us have such modern amenities. Now, a little refreshment? Perhaps a tall glass of Aam Panna, to cool the very soul?

CHOTON(Formally)Alas, sir, regulations forbid the consumption of victuals while on official duty. It is a strict code.

BIPLAB(Guiding him to the sofa)Regulations are for those without mint-green houses! You can sip Aam Panna whilst on duty. It is a very quiet, unassuming drink. I shall send for it. Now, tell me, what is the charge against this scourge, this... B.B. Basu?

CHOTONA grievous matter, sir! A most grievous matter!

BIPLABHow many sections of the IPC? Do tell! Is it 302? 307? Please say 302!

CHOTONSections are for the legal eagles, sir. I am but a humble process server. I deliver the glad tidings of the court's interest in one's affairs. The charge-sheet will follow, and then the magnificent spectacle of the trial!

BIPLAB(Clapping his hands together)Glorious news! Absolutely glorious! I had vowed to offer a whole goat to the Goddess Kali at the Kalighat temple! Now I shall make it two!

CHOTONA goat! Two goats! For what reason did you make such a carnivorous vow?

BIPLABFrom a place of profound sorrow, my boy! You see that AC? It mocks me! This marble floor? It reminds me of my suffering! Because of this B.B. Basu, this neighbourhood has known no peace! Suppose, for example, the neighbourhood committee installs a speaker for the Durga Puja, to play the enchanting hits of the season. B.B. Basu arrives with his gang of moral police and demands it be silenced, calling it "noise pollution"!Then, if old Haradhan Babu, a man whose stomach is a ticking clock, overeats at a feast and gets indigestion, and his daughter-in-law gently suggests he might try a salad for once, B.B. Basu accuses her of elder abuse and threatens to call the Human Rights Commission!And Nabakumar! That poor soul! His new garden wall extended by a mere centimeter onto the common road—a tiny, insignificant overreach! B.B. Basu himself, with his own two hands, pushed it over before the cement could even dry!

CHOTONThe man is a fiend! A monster!

BIPLABIs it not true? And my own suffering! With my life's savings, I built this temple of marble and AC, and this Basu comes every day, demanding to see my land deed! He claims I swindled a sweet old widow, Saralabala Devi, out of this land!

CHOTON(Leaning forward)But you did not, did you?

BIPLABOf course I did! It was a business transaction! I paid her in three installments, receipts and all! But this is the dark age of Kali, and the virtuous are ever troubled! He has turned the neighbours against me, calling me a land shark!

CHOTONShocking! Positively shocking! You five authorities should certainly investigate such a fine, upstanding citizen as yourself. Here, have a sandesh I brought from Bhim Chandra Nag! Dip it in this cool glass of buttermilk I had my servant prepare while you were talking! It will soothe your righteous indignation.

BIPLAB(Eyes widening at the offerings)Oh! Such hospitality! But I am but a man with a delicate stomach, sir! Ten or twelve of these sweets would undo me!

CHOTONNonsense! You are a strapping young man of the law! Eat, eat, do not be shy. So, tell me more about this case against him. If he is imprisoned for life, that would be a good start. Hanging, of course, would be the ideal outcome. What say you?

BIPLAB(Popping a sandesh)All things are possible in our great legal system. All things. Now, there is the small matter of a ten lakh rupee bank loan against this property.

BIPLAB(Choking slightly on the sandesh)A bank loan? Ten lakhs? Let me tax my memory... Yes, yes, there was a trifling loan! For some marble polish, I think. But it's been repaid! Long ago! Who fed you this vile canard? B.B. Basu?

CHOTON(Pulling out a notepad)And did you not, after Joykrishna Sarkhel mortgaged his ancestral home to you for a mere five thousand rupees, did you not, upon his untimely demise, claim the debt had ballooned to fifty lakhs and evict his orphaned children to take possession of their property?

BIPLAB(Sweating despite the AC)See! See the depths of his lies! I evict children? I am their guardian! I feed them the finest pulao, clothe them in the most fashionable synthetics, and am arranging for their education at the most prestigious correspondence courses! Jealous tongues wag, sir!

CHOTONSo the Sarkhel property is not in your possession?

BIPLABPossession? A harsh word! It is merely under my stewardship, to protect it from squatters! When the children come of age, it shall be returned to them, every last brick!

CHOTONThen the mortgage documents must be with you. May I see them?

BIPLABNow? At this very moment?

CHOTONNow would be most opportune.

BIPLABThey are, of course, in my iron chest. The key, unfortunately, is with my wife. She has gone to her mother's house. In Bangalore.

CHOTONOh! When will she return?

BIPLABShe may return tomorrow. Or perhaps next month. The climate in Bangalore is most agreeable this time of year. It encourages long stays.

CHOTONBut we must see the documents today.

BIPLABSuch haste! Let us have more Aam Panna! Another sandesh! They are small!

CHOTONIt will not do! The documents, sir, today!

BIPLABThen you must come back tomorrow morning, without fail!

CHOTON(Standing up, suddenly calm)I am afraid that will not be possible.

BIPLABAnd why, pray tell, is it not possible for a servant of the court to return tomorrow?

CHOTONBecause I am Bapin Bihari Basu.

(A long, dramatic pause. The AC roars. A car honks outside. BIPLAB's face cycles through a rainbow of emotions: confusion, horror, disbelief, and finally, pure, unadulterated terror.)

BIPLABYou... you are the B.B. Basu?

CHOTONIn the ethically questionable flesh. And I have come to see you.

BIPLABBut... the police! The Superintendent! You said you came from their office!

CHOTON(Removing his official cap and fanning himself)A small, necessary fiction, designed to elicit the unvarnished truth from a man with a mint-green house and a guilty conscience.

BIPLABAnd the arrest warrant? The search warrant? The "veritable bouquet of legal joy"?

CHOTONAll props in our little comedy, Master Bipnab. There is no warrant. There is only me, and my insatiable curiosity about what my neighbours truly think.

BIPLABBut... the truth? What truth? I said nothing but the truth!

CHOTONThe truth? You said a man named B.B. Basu should be fed to the tigers, hung, drawn, and quartered, and that his mere existence is a greater calamity than a plague of locusts. You said this with great confidence, and a mouth full of my sandesh.

BIPLABThat... that was but a jest! A light-hearted exchange between two gentlemen discussing local gossip!

CHOTONAnd the part about the widow's land? The orphan's eviction? Were those also jests?

BIPLABThose were... were... you are twisting my words, Mr. Basu! I am a victim of circumstance! And of your terrible acting!

CHOTONPerhaps. But through your "jests," you have painted a most vivid self-portrait. I came here to know what people think, and you have given me a masterclass. So, what shall happen now?

BIPLAB(Miserably)What... what will happen now?

CHOTON(Standing up and putting his cap back on)Nothing. I shall take my leave. I have learnt all I came to learn. Your hospitality, like your honesty, has been most... revealing.

BIPLAB(Following him to the door)Please, Mr. Basu! Do not mind my foolish prattle! It was the heat! The Aam Panna! It was spiked with something!

CHOTON(Pausing at the gate, next to the statue of the lion)I mind it not. But remember this, Master Bipnab. The truth has a way of coming out, often wearing a sweat-soaked shirt and a false story about a bank loan. It is a poor habit, speaking ill of others to a stranger who turns out to be the very subject of your slander. It lacks... dramatic foresight.

(Choton Sarkar, a.k.a. B.B. Basu, walks away into the sweltering afternoon, leaving BIPLAB CHATTERJEE standing forlornly by his mint-green lion, its painted smile seeming to mock his utter, catastrophic defeat.)

(Curtain.)